Developing, Nurturing and Maintaining a Good Relationship with our Children – Part 2

 

I am a communicator.  I like to talk.  I follow Chris around the house telling him about my day, and where I went, and who I talked to, and funny things the kids said.  He sometimes teases me by wandering around the furniture just to see if I’ll still follow him, which I do without even thinking about it… so it will come as no surprise that I love love LOVE talking to my kids.  I tell my kids when I’m feeling frustrated because of something, or when I’m sad because of something I heard on the news, or something funny that my brother said on the phone, or when I’m disappointed at myself.  I spontaneously bear my testimony or squeeze in a mini lesson about some gospel principle any time I can.  I take every opportunity to share my feelings and turn anything into a conversation.  It’s amazing what powerful discussions can occur after watching episodes of Little House on the Prairie… Often time we have to pause to have lengthy discussions about friendship, or dating, racism or the word of wisdom.  I just love it.

When my older kids were each ready to learn about sex… Chris and I took them out for a special date night and explained everything together.  We want it to be completely natural for Ryan to ask me questions and for Katie to ask Chris questions.  They also know that anything told to one of us will be shared with the other.

I plan on having lots of open and deep conversations with my teenagers but I’m sure those deep conversations will not ‘just happen’ if they have not happened all along the way… and if I have not opened up to them about my feelings, then how will I expect them to open up to me? 

I have deep (of course not inappropriate) talks with my children when they are very young.   I’m amazed at what my 3 and 5 year old understand.   I talk to Megan about how to choose a man to marry, or that some children don’t have enough food, or about some of the gory details about giving birth.  I explain to Luke that I’m feeling sad or frustrated and in turn he is starting to really communicate his own feelings… “Mom, I feel like I’m going to cry when you don’t say “YEAH!” after I go to the potty.”    {Oh boy, that whole topic deserves it’s own post.}

Often the best time for some one on one communication is at bedtime.  I’ve enjoyed asking 5 questions to my little ones from time to time as I tuck them in.  Usually I have to either run and tell Chris or jot down their answers because they are just so cute.

Luke’s from yesterday…

1. What is taller… a giraffe or an elephant?  a giraffe
2. What is faster… a car or a bike?  a car
3. Who does Mommy love the most? a giraffe
4. No, in the family, who does Mommy love the most in our family?  Dad!
5. Then who does Mommy love?  an elephant   --- it took a while and quite a few fabulous ‘Lukey faces’ to come up with all the kids names too, in order of course. 

(Asking questions is totally from my Dad too.  He’s still a ‘question asker’ and my kids just love it.)

These days, when I haven’t completely lost all patience by bedtime the kids get a ‘tuckle and a talk’… which is a tuck and a tickle combined, and then some questions if I’m in a good mood… which, believe me, is not every night. 

I try to tell my children often that I LOVE being their mother, that I’m so lucky to have them as children, and that I’m SOOOOO in love with their Dad.

As my children have continued to grow, our talks are just getting better.   Ryan sits in the front seat of the van on the way home from church and almost always makes comments about other people’s poor choices, or asks a question about when I was a teenager.  Then it’s my job to KEEP TALKING and KEEP THEM TALKING.  I use every opportunity I can to share my feelings, ask what they think, use personal experiences, talk about silly things I did as a teenager, listen, and most of all, bear my testimony.  That doesn’t mean that every conversation is about spiritual things… it’s not.  But our conversations usually celebrate good choices, teach, and most importantly, tell them that their thoughts and feelings are valued and that they are loved.

Many times when we get home, and walk into the kitchen for our traditional ‘before-dinner nachos’ the kids just stand there and say… “KEEP TALKING MOM!”.  It’s like they hardly even care what I say next, they just want the feeling of the moment to continue.

In January for FHE we studied the Proclamation of the Family.  I printed out the entire Proclamation for each member of the family but with enough spaces between the paragraphs that we could take notes, and draw pictures throughout.  I was amazed at what kinds of questions were asked and talked about when we read and explained each sentence of that amazing proclamation.    We used 3 FHE’s in a row sitting around the table, just talking.  On one of the nights we paused and put the younger three to bed so that we could continue to talk with the older ones, and ended up going to bed way too late because no one wanted to stop talking. 

A couple days after one of our Proclamation nights my sister in law called to tell us of someone she knew who had five kids, pregnant with her sixth, who accidentally drove over her toddler, killing her.  After talking with her for a while, I went downstairs and immediately called my kids to the kitchen where I poured out my heart.  I told them of the experience, and of that poor family and what they must be feeling.  We talked about what the brothers and sisters must be feeling.  I was emotional and so were Ryan and Katie.  When I stopped talking and turned to make dinner Ryan rushed upstairs.  I sensed that he went to his room to pray for that family... which he did.   Around the dinner table a few minutes later he was still quite emotional as he explained that he couldn’t stop thinking about that happening to his brother, Luke.  Over dinner, we talked about the Plan of Salvation, and the blessing it is to know Heavenly Father, and the idea that we need to be strong in our testimonies so that when hard times come we will be able to rely on the Lord instead of turn away from Him… all things that we had talked about just days before in our discussions on the proclamation.   I share this because it’s an example of the kind of positive communication that I want in my home all the time.  I could have chose to not bring it up, it’s too sad, they are too young, we don’t even know the family.  But instead, we felt a true emotional and spiritual connection to each other.  We developed a trust.  We shared OUR feelings and provided an environment where they would want to share theirs.  We grew closer… and that’s what it’s all about.

 “Children never outgrow a need for quality conversation with parents and other adults.  Learning how to communicate on this level will serve them well in their own future relationships, including marriage.  It will teach them how to build friendships and relate to work associates.  It will show them how to process their own thoughts and to communicate in a positive, caring manner that respects the ides of others.

Because your children will learn more from talking with you than you will probably ever realize, it is crucial that you spend time in healthy conversation with them, no matter what their age.  If you limit your talking with them to correction, your children may never learn the value of positive, focused attention.  Negative  attention alone can not meet their need for love.

Sadly few young people today understand how to handle their feelings, especially anger.  This lack is a primary reason for drug use, inappropriate sexual activity, and antiauthority attitudes and behavior.  Many years of warm and close bedtime talks, which include relaxed sharing of feelings, can help prevent most of life’s deepest problems. 

Don’t be a victim of the urgent.  In the long run, much of what seems so pressing right now won’t even matter.  What you do with your children will matter forever.”

Gary Chapman, Author of ‘5 Love Languages’.